Feeling so much inadequacies, be it as a doctor or just a human being. I tried and I lied to myself that it actually means nothing but I feel that it is not the right way. Peoples keep on telling me not to take what others say about me that much, most important is not to let them affect me. I know it better that though it seems harsh and not understanding, part of it still true. I know the old lady meant well but I hate it when I can't tell her that I am trying my best to do the right thing here and she insisted me to learn Kannada, say all not nice things as if I purposely put the IV line on the dorsum of the hand instead of the arm because it is more painful there or as if I am doing harm to the patient by refused to give them IV fluids or injections when it is not necessary at all.

I think I am upset with myself. Not her.

Troye Sivan - The Fault In Our Stars

The weight

of a simple human emotion

weighs me down

more than the tank ever did

The pain

it's determined and demanding

to ache, but I'm okay . . .

And I don't want to let this go

I don't want to lose control

I just want to see the stars with you

And I don't wanna say goodbye

someone tell me why

I just want to see the stars with you

You lost, a part of your existence

in the war, against yourself

oh, the lights,

they light up in lights of sadness

telling you, it's time to go

And I don't want to let this go

I don't want to lose control

I just want to see the stars with you

And I don't wanna say goodbye

someone tell me why

I just want to see the stars with you

Don't give it up just yet stay grand

for one more minute, don't give it up

just yet stay grand(no)

Don't give it up just yet stay grand

for one more minute, don't give it up

just yet stay grand(no)

Don't give it up just yet stay grand

for one more minute, don't give it up

just yet stay grand

And I don't want to let this go

I don't want to lose control

I just want to see the stars with you

And I don't wanna say goodbye

someone tell me why

I just want to see the stars with you

With you

dreaming with broken heart

sometimes we just simply fall in love with a stranger.

be it the innocent smile or the sweetest laughter.

and when we do, we often wonder.

baffled with entangled feelings, we wander.




we ask so many question just to end in confusion.

not be able to comprehend the greater decision.

we retreat so that we are not defeat

but is it so or are we stupid?





have you ever think that it might be an order?

that you two are destined to love before you know each other.

that your hearts melted together before your mind even register.

perhaps it is not forever, but it is now -- not later.

love me, set me free.

pull me into the gravity.

but when the time comes you might leave me,

for you and I are not living in infinity.





#tetibadeepmalambuta #sejakbilatulispuisi #tajuktakdekaitan #pinjamtajuklaguje

she was making the cow dung cakes, in other no so nice words it is 'dried cow shit's patties' which later she will use as fuel to cook.

oh ye, makcik yang sama yang bagi buah mangga muda tu.

simple life pleasures

I am very grateful being posted in Handiganur walaupun macam kampung je, line handphone pun takde.

Since our ambulance driver has not reported for duty yet (driver lama kena transfer kat tempat lain) jadi dah 2 minggu pergi naik pengangkutan awam pergi kerja. By that I mean the bus and shared auto yang bersempit-sempit dan ada orang berdiri kat luar je. Cemana ntah nak explain.

Hari ni shared auto tu berhenti hantar kayu kat orang, lepas tu tiba-tiba je dia suruh pindah shared auto yang satu lagi tu. Toleh kat luar nampak pakcik dan kambingnya duduk kat dalam tu dengan 2 lagi makcik. At first we were quite hesitated, thinking how could we possibly sit together with goat. Sorang pandang muka sorang dengan riak muka yang tak boleh nak ditafsir. But we got down since we don't really have other choice. To our relief, pakcik dan kambing pun turun kat situ.

I love to see the how innocent people are and how we do not need all those fancy things to be happy. Kita dah terbiasa dengan kesenangan, hinggakan keliru antara keperluan dan kehendak, keliru antara kelabu pengaruh nafsu.


[aku tak pasti kenapa aku tulis ni sedangkan aku tak rasa korang boleh bayangkan keadaan sebenar.  aku jarang ambik gambar sebab gambar selalu tak lawa, takde bakat agaknya. takpelah mungkin aku yang masa depan boleh look back and remember all those things again.]



*today is the 12th day posted in PHC Handiganur*

On our first day, we are the only doctors there. Agak kelam-kabut sebab tak tahu kena buat apa, tak pasti ubat mana nak bagi kat pesakit. Lepas tu tiba-tiba ada pulak orang datang nak beranak. Gelabah lah tiga orang budak ni, but in the end we decided to refer her to hospital since there was no progression of labour, meconium stained liquor (probably baby was in distress) and posiblity that was breech presentation (bayi songsang). Alhamdulillah, by Allah's grace, I think that was a wise decision as she has to undergo Caesarean section and lost a lot of blood. They have to go to other hospital to find AB negative blood.

Then there was tubectomy operation the next day. Though I've seen operations quite a number of times but this is something new, somewhere between amazement, frightening experience and nauseating feeling. The surgery is somewhat brutal and so-not-high-tech but it fulfils all the criteria needful for a succesful tubectomy surgery i guess. Although they did give local anaesthesia but that did not numb patient to the pain because they did scream occasionally and when that happened I felt my gut shrinked.

I said I wanted to talk about those simple life pleasures but yet I am talking about terrifying things about this posting. haih.

Okay, now we back to the start.

One day co-intern said that she always wanted to lie down on those stack of hays. Actually cuma menyandar dan bukannya baring pun. So we did! And it felt great! Selesa sampai rasa nak tido berdiri je.

I love the sight of vegetable fields, pengembala dan kambing biri-biri, kereta lembu dan muatannya, budak berbasikal balik rumah, pakcik makcik angkat sayur-sayur, senyum budak-budak kecik. I love the sound of innocent childrens' laughter, the joy and happiness. I love everything.

Makcik bagi mangga muda yang orang baru bagi kat dia untuk kitorang. Makcik yang jemput masuk rumah minum chai sebab kitorang berdiri depan rumah dia tunggu bas sampai. Pakcik yang sangat sopan dan sabar, yang ucap terima kasih lepas bagi ubat kat dia. Pakcik yang jemput duduk sebelah dia sebab kesian tengok kitorang berdiri tunggu bas. Pakcik yang tak bagi jalan kat celah semak sebab takut tercedera kena kaca, duri etc.
Random act of kindess showed by the villagers buatkan aku rasa kita 'orang bandar' ni sangat selfish and corrupted.

I pray to Allah so that I will be content with just the simple life pleasures. Doa supaya hati bersih untuk mensyukuri nikmat yang ada, untuk merasa bahagia seadanya.

malam-malam buta dengar lagu KRU. Adoiii lah~




dah rasa macam zaman dulu-dulu, zaman dengar lagu boyband segala. rasa dah tua pulak tetiba flashback, throwback segala bagai ni. aged gracefully lah harapnya.



serious dah tak tahu nak tulis apa ni.

kita tengok gambar je la ok?

ni gambar tempat posting sekarang. sebulan kat rural clinic ni. ni gambar kat tepi-tepi klinik je. gambar klinik tak ambik pun. sekarang dah masuk musim panas, jadi agak kering sikit la.

 oh ye, gambar ni semua #nofilter. nak jugak hashtag segala bagai kan hahaha