30 years

So the story begins....

30 years ago, I was born into this beautiful world. Not.





This might be true a few years from now that those kids that was born in 1990 will become a 30 years old adult. How surreal that feels even to me now. I never those that we, kids that grew up with sailormoon, dragon ballz, disney movies, power rangers etc etc already entered adulthood and a few has forgotten that they were once a child. A pure and innocent child. The world has poisoned them with needs and greeds that all the little things did not matter. The feelings and emotions that once too strong has disappear and they could not care less about it anymore. How sad life is.


I remember I met you 10 years ago and much have changes ever since. Don't worry I have move on. Just that on the days like this I would reminescence and travel back in time. I never though my life would turn out to be like this.

Would you?

Would you love me if you see me at my worst?
Would you love me if you see me now?
















I am fragile.
I am anxious.
I am depressed.

I cried.
I feel stupid.
I feel worthless.

I want to disappear.

yesterday I was feeling low, too down that I think that I have jumped into a bottomless pit. I wanted to cry in the stormy rain and pour my heart out. I desperately need a company yet I cannot confide to anybody. I wanted to write endlessly, at least I let the feelings/problems somewhere.

..but today I feel a bit okay, though still feel anxious and scared. I do not want to ruin the day yet by digging in the 'unpleasant' emotions.

I just drank coffee. Now the diuretic and laxative effect has taken place hahaha

Deeper than the veins

Shallow.
If it is a water, you would able to see what lies at the bottom.

Superficial.
Just beneath. Not more.



You name it; shallow or superficial, this is how I feel right now that makes me feel fake regarding my existence. It is like I did not connect to anyone, that my soul wonders around even when I am with people that I care about. Like my heart was not able to 'speak' to another heart - not connected eventhough physically present.

I was once a girl who used to be able to connect with my deeper emotions and yet now on contrary I just feel nothing. Perhaps it was going to be good later, something to prepare myself to tough world ahead- be whatever it is.

What I am afraid is that- those people that I care, feels that I didn't care at all now and trying to distant myself.

An abyss, bottomless pit. Either I was wounded deeply and it has not healed yet OR heart just suffers multiple trauma that it now now covered with scar tissues. Or maybe---I have lost mine.

If they know how ugly it is inside........


They shouldn't. Or perhaps they should?

I will write when I am deeply emotional or in my thinking mode.
Sadly that rarely happen nowadays.

If it does, it is only for a short while before I found keyboard to dismantle my thoughts.

craves for deep insightful conversation with stranger.


-perks of being introvert.

I wanted to write longer just now but let just keep it short and sweet. sweet la sangaaaattt
Honestly I am tired most of the time and have short attention span, so I understand the pain of reading long post if you wanted to.

So how have you been?

Like my dear friend used to say when we bumped with each other at hospital,

"Everyone is getting married la!"
*read this in a miserable tone*

I might be considered old as I am still successfully remained single until now but I still feel like I am still young and need not to be worry being an adult yet. This one you can call it denial.

Everyone either getting married or having kids.

As for me, my only concerned now merely evolved around basic things like,

"When can I sleep?"

"When can I eat?"

"When is my next off-day?"

and if you are asking the same golden question too, I don't have answer to it. I am too still waiting for it. Waiting for 'the one' to appear out of nowhere with the good intentions. Until then we just eat keropok and watch TV la ye? It seems so distant right now. *sambung kunyah keropok*

However, the world as we know now become more difficult. One simple reason for that is HUMAN.
I pray to Allah to bless us, the tough people of the rough time to remain steadfast in Iman and never stop believing.

post pertama tahun 2016

“What happens when people open their hearts?"

"They get better.” 

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

It is already March and this is only my first post for this year. I suspected people are not on blog anymore but nevermind. It is hard for me to leave though I seldomly write now.

This is probably not the most important thing, not that I am married or something but I am a working lady now eventhough it doesn't feels like working, it is slavery. What I meant was that it did not matched my childhood idea of a career woman. Sorry lah ye, sometime ideas are just difficult to change. I am not in denial, well not too much la haha....

Housemanship in a nutshell is tough but somehow you remained alive although you feel worst all the time but it is okay. You think you are going to die but you didn't. Someone else is dying or dead and you can't do anything about it other than feeling helpless and hopeless all the time. Err, let's not talk about this too much shall we? I can feel the negativity is going to engulfed us anytime soon.

*running away from reality*

nota kaki:

• I need a travel companion - a permanent one. In this world and also hereafter.