She got it right

"Can we just communicate through songs, books, films, & poems? Can you just read me through my writings? My heart fears of being transparent."
- Wani Ardy

I think she got it right.
As contrary to what people thinks, there is more to written words. While the writer thinks he/she just exposed part of him/her that he/she wants people to know and keep the other part hidden from public but that is not always true. Often, we as the reader don't look close enough and think that the writer is a closed person and then you simply walk away. But if you read it with your heart, you will see that he/she tells you more than a 'normal' person would.


Nota kaki:

• I think I know why I can't write or write very seldom. Interrupted thoughts and ideas. Kalau tengah menulis, ayat tersangkut di tengah jalan. Kalau sekadar Idea dalam fikiran memang tak sempat nak diterjemah menjadi tulisan.

acah-acah post writer block

I have few pending ideas to write in my blog. Blog dah bersawang, maklumlah bukan ‘in thing’ sekarang tapi itu bukan sebenarnya niat untuk tulis blog pun. Kalau semata-mata nak ikut perkembangan semasa sampai bila lah kesampaian.

A few days ago, I stumbled upon this post on tumblr.

Obviously the first response would be: 

Awwww *buat mimik muka yang cakap so sweet*

But then again, dah lama duduk tak buat apa kat rumah ni aku pun dah rasa macam katak bawah tempurung. Aku dah jadi seorang yang pessimist. Tak rasa macam that someone could be me, I mean that someone would pray to be with someone like me. Are you serious? Aku sendiri pun kadang-kadang rasa nak keluar dari menjadi diri sendiri dan menjadi orang lain. Tu la masalah aku ni. *gaya masalah besar je*

“You cannot love anyone before you love yourself.”

Gituuuuuu bak kata orang puteh. Tapi susah sebenarnya nak sayang diri sendiri when we know that we are full of flaws. Tak payah nak introspect sangat, dah terang-terang banyak kekurangan. Jadi teruslah kau menyenaraikan segala kekurangan (ikut kriteria kau), dari muka tak licin macam telur dikupas, kulit kusam, bentuk badan tak flattering, suara garau tak ayu langsung, tak cukup ketinggian, rambut tak ikal mayang panjang mengurai. Tak termasuk lagi ciri-ciri lain, tak cukup solehah, tak betul-betul menjaga aurat dan pergaulan, tak jaga kelakuan etc. Tak menang tangan kalau nak senaraikan semua kekurangan di mata manusia.

Kalau jenis kekurangan yang boleh nak diubah tu takpelah (by this I mean akhlak). Kalau dah nak mengeluh pasal pendek, muka tak lawa, suara tak sedap itu melampaulah kan. Dah anugerah tuhan kenalah bersyukur. Lagi rasa tak cukup sampai bila tak akan cukup.

The truth is, the more we feel that our exterior, our body is not good enough, the more we neglect our interior, the spiritual needs when it should be the other way round. Kan?

Maggie Carpenter: I wanted to tell you why I run - sometimes ride - away from things. 

Ike Graham: Does it matter? 

Maggie Carpenter: I think so. 

[takes a deep breath]  

Maggie Carpenter: When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who didn't have any idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault, because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn't go through with it because it would have been a lie. But you - you knew the real me.

Ike Graham: Yes, I did. 

Maggie Carpenter: I didn't. And you being the one at the end of the aisle didn't just fix that.

Look! Even Maggie was scared.

I personally thinks that Maggie was scared not only because she doesn't knows herself well enough but because someone else knows her better. It's like you are still dreaming/pretend that you are still wearing mask but the other person already knew who you are. You cannot hide anymore. There is no place to hide, you no longer have place to run and keep the secrets to yourself.

No, I am not the best person to motivate you not to be scared and to know yourself well first. I am still having the struggles among other things. Yes, sometimes ignorant is a bliss but most of the time it could be disaster. Ignorant just buys you time to learn about the truth and be prepared for it.

Truth: We are all ugly. 

But Allah hides all our flaws and makes us beautiful in the eyes of human.

So be happy if you think you are ugly, after all that is the truth, right?
No one is perfect. And knowing that we are not good enough gives us space to fix the imperfections but you shouldn't be discouraged or sad instead, you should be grateful of what you have. May Allah showers you with mercy because you are grateful and helps you be the person with perfect imperfections. After all, Allah sees your progress not the outcome. So do not crush your dream to be beautiful, yeah?

Beautiful according to al-Quran and Sunnah.

It's funny about people's faces. If you look at them long enough they stop being beautiful or ugly and just become themselves. Then you see they couldn't be any other way because that person's life has formed his face, and if you love him you love his face the way it is.
-The Society of Others, William Nicholson

nota kaki:

• I re-read my rant, unpublished post as I couldn't remember what it was. It was sad, almost hurtful but Alhamdulillah I forgot about it until I read it again. *hide the post far-far away*

Kadang-kadang tu bila dah lama sangat bercuti/bekerja dan jauh dari perkara-perkara yang kita minati eg: membaca buku, berjalan-jalan, memasak etc, jadi bila ada kelapangan or when we have the time that we plan/expect to do those things, kita tak buat. Mudah hilang fokus, penat atau saja-saja malas.
Lepas tu bila ada orang tegur, bukan main lagi terus buat.
Konon-kononya pergi buat refleksi diri and to find the lost self.

Tapi hakikatnya......

Sik kalak pengilan

Aku pergi kenduri kahwin hari ni. Selalunya pergi dengan mak so mak akan lead the way. Ni jemputan melalui facebook, nasib baik ingat la tempat kenduri. Tapi macam confused jugak la sebab tak pernah ikut pergi kenduri kat dewan tu. Almost turned back dan balik tumah sebab sampai lambat dan tak pasti pintu masuk kat mana.

Let me explain this first.
This is walimatul urus untuk majlis kahwin adik perempuan dan majlis menyambut menantu untuk 3 abang yang lain. (Kawan aku adalah salah seorang dari abang tu)

Facts:

1. I'm not sure where and to whom to give 'sampul' kenduri.
2. Aku tak pasti bila yang boleh nak pergi tangkap gambar dengan pengantin.
3. I don't really know protokol pergi kenduri.

Mistakes:

1. Aku tak bagi pun 'sampul' kat pihak/family pengantin.
2. Aku lupa nak pergi salam pengantin perempuan dan pengantin yang satu lagi.
3. Aku siap salam laga pipi dengan isteri kawan aku je. Yang isteri adik dia salam mcm tu je. Isteri abang kembar dan si adik perempuan (pengantin sebenar) aku lupa nak bersalam. 
4. Aku lupa nak beramah mesra dengan mak ayah pengantin walaupun dah diperkenalkan sebagai kawan yang sama belajar di India.

Ya Allah. Malu sendiri dengan mistakes ni. It wasn't intentional, I never meant to behave like that. 

Nota kaki:

• Nasib baik makcik pengantin baik dan peramah. Walaupun dah sampai lambat dan segan sangat but she made us feel welcomed. 

anagram aku: KAU

Aku.
Aku tidak mahu mengaku yang aku cuma gadis biasa.
Aku ingin menjadi yang berbeza, yang bisa kau kenal biar dari jauh sahaja.
Aku m
hu menjadi yang luar biasa, menjadi yang bisa engkau cinta.

Aku.
Hakikatnya biasa sahaja, tiada yang istimewa.
Aku masih perempuan yang suka bunga.
Masih juga perempuan yang menangis dalam tawa (vice versa).


Dan kau.
Masih juga tak kunjung tiba.



**************
Aku dari dulu tersepit antara konflik diri. Aku mahu menjadi seperti selayaknya seorang perempuan: ayu, sopan, lemah-lembut, baik hati............and the list goes on.
And yet I want to be different, so different that you can't find a two person like me. A person that you admires, someone yang boleh buat kau rasa, "Eh, siapa perempuan tu? She's different. I meant a good kind of different."

Tapi banyak sangat tengok cerita fantasi.
Itu masalahnya.
Kau tak muncul seperti putera berkuda putih kerana aku bukan seorang puteri.

So, what are we gonna do now?

a) wait until our path cross again
b) continue in our quest to find each other
c) fall in love with another person and forget you
d) pray to Allah that we'll meet again so that we'll have closure




Nota kaki:

• Since I couldn't really decide who I wanna be, so I tend to like/copy/be like a weird person. A person that make me say the same thing, "Eh, siapa perempuan tu? She's different. I meant a good kind of different."
• But maybe I'm just weird. I hope you like weird.