yesterday I was feeling low, too down that I think that I have jumped into a bottomless pit. I wanted to cry in the stormy rain and pour my heart out. I desperately need a company yet I cannot confide to anybody. I wanted to write endlessly, at least I let the feelings/problems somewhere.

..but today I feel a bit okay, though still feel anxious and scared. I do not want to ruin the day yet by digging in the 'unpleasant' emotions.

I just drank coffee. Now the diuretic and laxative effect has taken place hahaha

Deeper than the veins

Shallow.
If it is a water, you would able to see what lies at the bottom.

Superficial.
Just beneath. Not more.



You name it; shallow or superficial, this is how I feel right now that makes me feel fake regarding my existence. It is like I did not connect to anyone, that my soul wonders around even when I am with people that I care about. Like my heart was not able to 'speak' to another heart - not connected eventhough physically present.

I was once a girl who used to be able to connect with my deeper emotions and yet now on contrary I just feel nothing. Perhaps it was going to be good later, something to prepare myself to tough world ahead- be whatever it is.

What I am afraid is that- those people that I care, feels that I didn't care at all now and trying to distant myself.

An abyss, bottomless pit. Either I was wounded deeply and it has not healed yet OR heart just suffers multiple trauma that it now now covered with scar tissues. Or maybe---I have lost mine.

If they know how ugly it is inside........


They shouldn't. Or perhaps they should?

I will write when I am deeply emotional or in my thinking mode.
Sadly that rarely happen nowadays.

If it does, it is only for a short while before I found keyboard to dismantle my thoughts.