Pretty doctor(s)

I stumbled upon a totally random IG. A doctor, ENT surgeon to be exact. Oh wow! She is lovely. Pretty and absolutely has a wonderful sense of fashion. Seems like she is living a perfect life.

And I looked at myself.

Another wow!
A bigger WOW in fact.

Belum mandi. Messy hair and lying on the couch. Basically jobless for now. Ehousemen portal will open for application tomorrow noon so we'll see if I get the job next month.

Terus jatuh self esteem I, okay!

I need new clothes! I need more shawls! I need to be skinny! I need to be perfect!


Then I thought to myself.

Naaahhhhh

This is not good, in fact this is what kind of things that gonna kill me from inside. To be someone else and try to fit in. Who knows that you are born to stand out?
*hide quickly in a corner*




I read somewhere that girls are wearing pretty and stylish clothes, make-ups, basically be a living Barbie. Kalau Barbie kita tahu la memang tak logik nak ikut untuk hidup di dunia nyata tapi kalau ada perempuan yang sempurna (almost) mestilah kita terasa macam logik je nak jadi perfect flawless gituuuuu. Gila! Orang kata kalau perempuan pakai untuk lelaki, they would be wearing nothing.

Kena kurangkan stalk ig orang sempurna ni, kena cari orang yang mampu setia dalam susah senang kita.

Dua benda mudah ni pun susah.

This. Couldn't ask for better and shouldn't ask too.

I often curious about people's first impression about me.

I would have weird gestures.
I would pretend that I don't see you.
I would offer my food to someone before asking their name.
I would fix my friend's shoes in a party in front of public.
I would be a judge and criticise your food in the competition.
I would be a timid and a shy one before you said hello.
I would pop out some random quotes and suddenly lost in thoughts.
My thinking face is not really that pleasant as I would seems like I was having a serious problem.

During the farewell party by the juniors, the asked one of my batchmate (a guy) about what memories that he shared with me. Something he would remember about me.
I thought he would say about me fixing Ruth's wedges during Sharlyne's wedding. Well, Ruth was wearing the wedges that I got from Kak Mas and then in the middle of the wedding the shoes fell apart. Tapak kasut yang tinggi tu tercabut dari kasut tu. I saw that and I was looking around for something that can be used to fix it. Then I saw a rope (not really. More like the thick rigid thing to tie box together. I don't know if you get this but nvm) and I tied it on the shoe so that she could walk in the wedges to get to the bus and go back to hostel. He saw this and made a remark which I can't remember.

But no, he said something else that I forgot. He said he remembered the day that we had this deep and serious conversation about life, relationship and marriage. He remember I quoted something from Sword Art Online. It amazed him because a girl watched and just quoted something from anime, something he can relates to;

ASUNA : Hey Kirito, theoretically speaking, if you get married, and notice a side of your partner that you hadn’t known before, what would you think? 

KIRITO : Guess I’d think I’m lucky. You know, if you married someone,that means you love every side of your significant other that you already know.So if you find a new side after to love, doesn’t that mean you’ll love your partner even more? 

- SWORD ART ONLINE

And no, he wasn't interested. He is just a friendly guy to everyone and plus he already has a lovely girlfriend. I just give this as an example of first impression or things that people remember about you. I wonder how he would describe me though.

I wonder how, I wonder why

While watching a movie called 'Bound & Babysitting', Alex was saying that the guy that Maggie thought didn't like her because she is ugly with braces and acnes, maybe like her so much but felt intimidated because she was smart and beautiful.

I wonder if it is true.


Honestly, I never felt like I was pretty or good enough. I thought that no guy would ever like me. No one ever showed me the slightest hint that they might like me. (Or I was too oblivious). To simplify: no one ever approached me as contrast to my other friends. Stress kot jiwa anak muda sebab dalam satu geng takde budak laki suka kau tapi kawan-kawan kau semua ada peminat. Even kalau bercakap pun, budak laki akan berborak gelak happy je bercakap dengan member dalam geng aku tapi bila bercakap dengan aku macam nak taknak je. Aku tak makan orang pun. In fact, once you get to know me and I fell comfortable, I would talk non stop.

So I jumped into conclusion that I was ugly.

I wonder if it is true.


And then I grew up. I learnt about grooming and a little bit about make-up. Just enough to enhanced my appearance. Takde la nampak macam orang tak mandi dan takdelah macam tepung gomak. Just to boost up my self esteem and make myself more appealing. But still things are the same.

I feel like I repel people, guys especially.

I wonder if it is true.


Maybe in the end I would learn that Allah is protecting me from such nonsense. Maybe. Just maybe.

Or maybe I am just too pretty and smart and charismatic and succesful and...(I have to stop because then it would be a lie. I don't know if lying on the couch while watching TV and enjoying Milo ais could be consider as succesful)