I was different person back then.

I am different person now.

It is fine. 

I know it should be fine.

Now I am blessed in different way.

I missed being me

This is rather odd.
I'm writing again after being on hiatus for more than 2 years.




Do you remember back then we are young, we are naive to decipher the world?
I used to rely more on my emotion rather than my intellect on doing something - lebih suka ikut kata hati; katanya ianya lebih suci, lebih jujur. Namun benarkan begitu?

When I looked back across the time, it was so much better. At least that what I thought. Better in terms of heart purity where my heart easily responded to my surroundings. That was the time when I felt I was so much better in terms of spirituality. But then again, I am also clueless about my future and what it holds.


Now you asked me, "what have changed then?"
My heart.

I am more careful in letting my emotion to guide my action. I refused to let my heart from being hurt again. However it also numb my heart, I don't easily cry or feel moved like I used before. That is also one of the reason that I stopped writing on my blog.

growing older...perhaps wiser?

I think age already catching up with me. I enjoyed the drive with complete silence. Just me and my thought because songs and never ending adverts just poison me.

But one thing that I do not like is that I do not enjoy making new acquintance, I mean I do not have the energy to pursue them, to win their heart. I am just tired and want to be alone.

I enjoy the solitude of my own company hahaha
Sounds so depressing but I am not. Or am I?
I wish I could change my heart and not being so stubborn to let people in. I wasn't aware if I am actually building wall to keep people away. It seems like I don't have any intention to let anyone in at the moment or being 'jinak-jinak merpati'. I just don't.

30 years

So the story begins....

30 years ago, I was born into this beautiful world. Not.





This might be true a few years from now that those kids that was born in 1990 will become a 30 years old adult. How surreal that feels even to me now. I never those that we, kids that grew up with sailormoon, dragon ballz, disney movies, power rangers etc etc already entered adulthood and a few has forgotten that they were once a child. A pure and innocent child. The world has poisoned them with needs and greeds that all the little things did not matter. The feelings and emotions that once too strong has disappear and they could not care less about it anymore. How sad life is.


I remember I met you 10 years ago and much have changes ever since. Don't worry I have move on. Just that on the days like this I would reminescence and travel back in time. I never though my life would turn out to be like this.

Would you?

Would you love me if you see me at my worst?
Would you love me if you see me now?
















I am fragile.
I am anxious.
I am depressed.

I cried.
I feel stupid.
I feel worthless.

I want to disappear.

yesterday I was feeling low, too down that I think that I have jumped into a bottomless pit. I wanted to cry in the stormy rain and pour my heart out. I desperately need a company yet I cannot confide to anybody. I wanted to write endlessly, at least I let the feelings/problems somewhere.

..but today I feel a bit okay, though still feel anxious and scared. I do not want to ruin the day yet by digging in the 'unpleasant' emotions.

I just drank coffee. Now the diuretic and laxative effect has taken place hahaha

Deeper than the veins

Shallow.
If it is a water, you would able to see what lies at the bottom.

Superficial.
Just beneath. Not more.



You name it; shallow or superficial, this is how I feel right now that makes me feel fake regarding my existence. It is like I did not connect to anyone, that my soul wonders around even when I am with people that I care about. Like my heart was not able to 'speak' to another heart - not connected eventhough physically present.

I was once a girl who used to be able to connect with my deeper emotions and yet now on contrary I just feel nothing. Perhaps it was going to be good later, something to prepare myself to tough world ahead- be whatever it is.

What I am afraid is that- those people that I care, feels that I didn't care at all now and trying to distant myself.

An abyss, bottomless pit. Either I was wounded deeply and it has not healed yet OR heart just suffers multiple trauma that it now now covered with scar tissues. Or maybe---I have lost mine.

If they know how ugly it is inside........


They shouldn't. Or perhaps they should?

I will write when I am deeply emotional or in my thinking mode.
Sadly that rarely happen nowadays.

If it does, it is only for a short while before I found keyboard to dismantle my thoughts.

craves for deep insightful conversation with stranger.


-perks of being introvert.

I wanted to write longer just now but let just keep it short and sweet. sweet la sangaaaattt
Honestly I am tired most of the time and have short attention span, so I understand the pain of reading long post if you wanted to.

So how have you been?

Like my dear friend used to say when we bumped with each other at hospital,

"Everyone is getting married la!"
*read this in a miserable tone*

I might be considered old as I am still successfully remained single until now but I still feel like I am still young and need not to be worry being an adult yet. This one you can call it denial.

Everyone either getting married or having kids.

As for me, my only concerned now merely evolved around basic things like,

"When can I sleep?"

"When can I eat?"

"When is my next off-day?"

and if you are asking the same golden question too, I don't have answer to it. I am too still waiting for it. Waiting for 'the one' to appear out of nowhere with the good intentions. Until then we just eat keropok and watch TV la ye? It seems so distant right now. *sambung kunyah keropok*

However, the world as we know now become more difficult. One simple reason for that is HUMAN.
I pray to Allah to bless us, the tough people of the rough time to remain steadfast in Iman and never stop believing.

post pertama tahun 2016

“What happens when people open their hearts?"

"They get better.” 

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

It is already March and this is only my first post for this year. I suspected people are not on blog anymore but nevermind. It is hard for me to leave though I seldomly write now.

This is probably not the most important thing, not that I am married or something but I am a working lady now eventhough it doesn't feels like working, it is slavery. What I meant was that it did not matched my childhood idea of a career woman. Sorry lah ye, sometime ideas are just difficult to change. I am not in denial, well not too much la haha....

Housemanship in a nutshell is tough but somehow you remained alive although you feel worst all the time but it is okay. You think you are going to die but you didn't. Someone else is dying or dead and you can't do anything about it other than feeling helpless and hopeless all the time. Err, let's not talk about this too much shall we? I can feel the negativity is going to engulfed us anytime soon.

*running away from reality*

nota kaki:

• I need a travel companion - a permanent one. In this world and also hereafter.

Pretty doctor(s)

I stumbled upon a totally random IG. A doctor, ENT surgeon to be exact. Oh wow! She is lovely. Pretty and absolutely has a wonderful sense of fashion. Seems like she is living a perfect life.

And I looked at myself.

Another wow!
A bigger WOW in fact.

Belum mandi. Messy hair and lying on the couch. Basically jobless for now. Ehousemen portal will open for application tomorrow noon so we'll see if I get the job next month.

Terus jatuh self esteem I, okay!

I need new clothes! I need more shawls! I need to be skinny! I need to be perfect!


Then I thought to myself.

Naaahhhhh

This is not good, in fact this is what kind of things that gonna kill me from inside. To be someone else and try to fit in. Who knows that you are born to stand out?
*hide quickly in a corner*




I read somewhere that girls are wearing pretty and stylish clothes, make-ups, basically be a living Barbie. Kalau Barbie kita tahu la memang tak logik nak ikut untuk hidup di dunia nyata tapi kalau ada perempuan yang sempurna (almost) mestilah kita terasa macam logik je nak jadi perfect flawless gituuuuu. Gila! Orang kata kalau perempuan pakai untuk lelaki, they would be wearing nothing.

Kena kurangkan stalk ig orang sempurna ni, kena cari orang yang mampu setia dalam susah senang kita.

Dua benda mudah ni pun susah.

This. Couldn't ask for better and shouldn't ask too.

I often curious about people's first impression about me.

I would have weird gestures.
I would pretend that I don't see you.
I would offer my food to someone before asking their name.
I would fix my friend's shoes in a party in front of public.
I would be a judge and criticise your food in the competition.
I would be a timid and a shy one before you said hello.
I would pop out some random quotes and suddenly lost in thoughts.
My thinking face is not really that pleasant as I would seems like I was having a serious problem.

During the farewell party by the juniors, the asked one of my batchmate (a guy) about what memories that he shared with me. Something he would remember about me.
I thought he would say about me fixing Ruth's wedges during Sharlyne's wedding. Well, Ruth was wearing the wedges that I got from Kak Mas and then in the middle of the wedding the shoes fell apart. Tapak kasut yang tinggi tu tercabut dari kasut tu. I saw that and I was looking around for something that can be used to fix it. Then I saw a rope (not really. More like the thick rigid thing to tie box together. I don't know if you get this but nvm) and I tied it on the shoe so that she could walk in the wedges to get to the bus and go back to hostel. He saw this and made a remark which I can't remember.

But no, he said something else that I forgot. He said he remembered the day that we had this deep and serious conversation about life, relationship and marriage. He remember I quoted something from Sword Art Online. It amazed him because a girl watched and just quoted something from anime, something he can relates to;

ASUNA : Hey Kirito, theoretically speaking, if you get married, and notice a side of your partner that you hadn’t known before, what would you think? 

KIRITO : Guess I’d think I’m lucky. You know, if you married someone,that means you love every side of your significant other that you already know.So if you find a new side after to love, doesn’t that mean you’ll love your partner even more? 

- SWORD ART ONLINE

And no, he wasn't interested. He is just a friendly guy to everyone and plus he already has a lovely girlfriend. I just give this as an example of first impression or things that people remember about you. I wonder how he would describe me though.

I wonder how, I wonder why

While watching a movie called 'Bound & Babysitting', Alex was saying that the guy that Maggie thought didn't like her because she is ugly with braces and acnes, maybe like her so much but felt intimidated because she was smart and beautiful.

I wonder if it is true.


Honestly, I never felt like I was pretty or good enough. I thought that no guy would ever like me. No one ever showed me the slightest hint that they might like me. (Or I was too oblivious). To simplify: no one ever approached me as contrast to my other friends. Stress kot jiwa anak muda sebab dalam satu geng takde budak laki suka kau tapi kawan-kawan kau semua ada peminat. Even kalau bercakap pun, budak laki akan berborak gelak happy je bercakap dengan member dalam geng aku tapi bila bercakap dengan aku macam nak taknak je. Aku tak makan orang pun. In fact, once you get to know me and I fell comfortable, I would talk non stop.

So I jumped into conclusion that I was ugly.

I wonder if it is true.


And then I grew up. I learnt about grooming and a little bit about make-up. Just enough to enhanced my appearance. Takde la nampak macam orang tak mandi dan takdelah macam tepung gomak. Just to boost up my self esteem and make myself more appealing. But still things are the same.

I feel like I repel people, guys especially.

I wonder if it is true.


Maybe in the end I would learn that Allah is protecting me from such nonsense. Maybe. Just maybe.

Or maybe I am just too pretty and smart and charismatic and succesful and...(I have to stop because then it would be a lie. I don't know if lying on the couch while watching TV and enjoying Milo ais could be consider as succesful)

Of DIAgnosis

My favorite person is going to join DIAgnosis team. Something to look forward to next! Though I love the book but I feel it is quite cliche so it is not that interesting.

I'm so gonna buy next DIAgnosis because of her. Hahaha

Nota kaki:

• I don't know how to explain her. I adores her. She writes but not yet a writer. Takes great pictures but not official photographer. She is a doctor but she got her own style. So I think it is not fair to put label on her.

She got it right

"Can we just communicate through songs, books, films, & poems? Can you just read me through my writings? My heart fears of being transparent."
- Wani Ardy

I think she got it right.
As contrary to what people thinks, there is more to written words. While the writer thinks he/she just exposed part of him/her that he/she wants people to know and keep the other part hidden from public but that is not always true. Often, we as the reader don't look close enough and think that the writer is a closed person and then you simply walk away. But if you read it with your heart, you will see that he/she tells you more than a 'normal' person would.


Nota kaki:

• I think I know why I can't write or write very seldom. Interrupted thoughts and ideas. Kalau tengah menulis, ayat tersangkut di tengah jalan. Kalau sekadar Idea dalam fikiran memang tak sempat nak diterjemah menjadi tulisan.

acah-acah post writer block

I have few pending ideas to write in my blog. Blog dah bersawang, maklumlah bukan ‘in thing’ sekarang tapi itu bukan sebenarnya niat untuk tulis blog pun. Kalau semata-mata nak ikut perkembangan semasa sampai bila lah kesampaian.

A few days ago, I stumbled upon this post on tumblr.

Obviously the first response would be: 

Awwww *buat mimik muka yang cakap so sweet*

But then again, dah lama duduk tak buat apa kat rumah ni aku pun dah rasa macam katak bawah tempurung. Aku dah jadi seorang yang pessimist. Tak rasa macam that someone could be me, I mean that someone would pray to be with someone like me. Are you serious? Aku sendiri pun kadang-kadang rasa nak keluar dari menjadi diri sendiri dan menjadi orang lain. Tu la masalah aku ni. *gaya masalah besar je*

“You cannot love anyone before you love yourself.”

Gituuuuuu bak kata orang puteh. Tapi susah sebenarnya nak sayang diri sendiri when we know that we are full of flaws. Tak payah nak introspect sangat, dah terang-terang banyak kekurangan. Jadi teruslah kau menyenaraikan segala kekurangan (ikut kriteria kau), dari muka tak licin macam telur dikupas, kulit kusam, bentuk badan tak flattering, suara garau tak ayu langsung, tak cukup ketinggian, rambut tak ikal mayang panjang mengurai. Tak termasuk lagi ciri-ciri lain, tak cukup solehah, tak betul-betul menjaga aurat dan pergaulan, tak jaga kelakuan etc. Tak menang tangan kalau nak senaraikan semua kekurangan di mata manusia.

Kalau jenis kekurangan yang boleh nak diubah tu takpelah (by this I mean akhlak). Kalau dah nak mengeluh pasal pendek, muka tak lawa, suara tak sedap itu melampaulah kan. Dah anugerah tuhan kenalah bersyukur. Lagi rasa tak cukup sampai bila tak akan cukup.

The truth is, the more we feel that our exterior, our body is not good enough, the more we neglect our interior, the spiritual needs when it should be the other way round. Kan?

Maggie Carpenter: I wanted to tell you why I run - sometimes ride - away from things. 

Ike Graham: Does it matter? 

Maggie Carpenter: I think so. 

[takes a deep breath]  

Maggie Carpenter: When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who didn't have any idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault, because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn't go through with it because it would have been a lie. But you - you knew the real me.

Ike Graham: Yes, I did. 

Maggie Carpenter: I didn't. And you being the one at the end of the aisle didn't just fix that.

Look! Even Maggie was scared.

I personally thinks that Maggie was scared not only because she doesn't knows herself well enough but because someone else knows her better. It's like you are still dreaming/pretend that you are still wearing mask but the other person already knew who you are. You cannot hide anymore. There is no place to hide, you no longer have place to run and keep the secrets to yourself.

No, I am not the best person to motivate you not to be scared and to know yourself well first. I am still having the struggles among other things. Yes, sometimes ignorant is a bliss but most of the time it could be disaster. Ignorant just buys you time to learn about the truth and be prepared for it.

Truth: We are all ugly. 

But Allah hides all our flaws and makes us beautiful in the eyes of human.

So be happy if you think you are ugly, after all that is the truth, right?
No one is perfect. And knowing that we are not good enough gives us space to fix the imperfections but you shouldn't be discouraged or sad instead, you should be grateful of what you have. May Allah showers you with mercy because you are grateful and helps you be the person with perfect imperfections. After all, Allah sees your progress not the outcome. So do not crush your dream to be beautiful, yeah?

Beautiful according to al-Quran and Sunnah.

It's funny about people's faces. If you look at them long enough they stop being beautiful or ugly and just become themselves. Then you see they couldn't be any other way because that person's life has formed his face, and if you love him you love his face the way it is.
-The Society of Others, William Nicholson

nota kaki:

• I re-read my rant, unpublished post as I couldn't remember what it was. It was sad, almost hurtful but Alhamdulillah I forgot about it until I read it again. *hide the post far-far away*

Kadang-kadang tu bila dah lama sangat bercuti/bekerja dan jauh dari perkara-perkara yang kita minati eg: membaca buku, berjalan-jalan, memasak etc, jadi bila ada kelapangan or when we have the time that we plan/expect to do those things, kita tak buat. Mudah hilang fokus, penat atau saja-saja malas.
Lepas tu bila ada orang tegur, bukan main lagi terus buat.
Konon-kononya pergi buat refleksi diri and to find the lost self.

Tapi hakikatnya......

Sik kalak pengilan

Aku pergi kenduri kahwin hari ni. Selalunya pergi dengan mak so mak akan lead the way. Ni jemputan melalui facebook, nasib baik ingat la tempat kenduri. Tapi macam confused jugak la sebab tak pernah ikut pergi kenduri kat dewan tu. Almost turned back dan balik tumah sebab sampai lambat dan tak pasti pintu masuk kat mana.

Let me explain this first.
This is walimatul urus untuk majlis kahwin adik perempuan dan majlis menyambut menantu untuk 3 abang yang lain. (Kawan aku adalah salah seorang dari abang tu)

Facts:

1. I'm not sure where and to whom to give 'sampul' kenduri.
2. Aku tak pasti bila yang boleh nak pergi tangkap gambar dengan pengantin.
3. I don't really know protokol pergi kenduri.

Mistakes:

1. Aku tak bagi pun 'sampul' kat pihak/family pengantin.
2. Aku lupa nak pergi salam pengantin perempuan dan pengantin yang satu lagi.
3. Aku siap salam laga pipi dengan isteri kawan aku je. Yang isteri adik dia salam mcm tu je. Isteri abang kembar dan si adik perempuan (pengantin sebenar) aku lupa nak bersalam. 
4. Aku lupa nak beramah mesra dengan mak ayah pengantin walaupun dah diperkenalkan sebagai kawan yang sama belajar di India.

Ya Allah. Malu sendiri dengan mistakes ni. It wasn't intentional, I never meant to behave like that. 

Nota kaki:

• Nasib baik makcik pengantin baik dan peramah. Walaupun dah sampai lambat dan segan sangat but she made us feel welcomed. 

anagram aku: KAU

Aku.
Aku tidak mahu mengaku yang aku cuma gadis biasa.
Aku ingin menjadi yang berbeza, yang bisa kau kenal biar dari jauh sahaja.
Aku m
hu menjadi yang luar biasa, menjadi yang bisa engkau cinta.

Aku.
Hakikatnya biasa sahaja, tiada yang istimewa.
Aku masih perempuan yang suka bunga.
Masih juga perempuan yang menangis dalam tawa (vice versa).


Dan kau.
Masih juga tak kunjung tiba.



**************
Aku dari dulu tersepit antara konflik diri. Aku mahu menjadi seperti selayaknya seorang perempuan: ayu, sopan, lemah-lembut, baik hati............and the list goes on.
And yet I want to be different, so different that you can't find a two person like me. A person that you admires, someone yang boleh buat kau rasa, "Eh, siapa perempuan tu? She's different. I meant a good kind of different."

Tapi banyak sangat tengok cerita fantasi.
Itu masalahnya.
Kau tak muncul seperti putera berkuda putih kerana aku bukan seorang puteri.

So, what are we gonna do now?

a) wait until our path cross again
b) continue in our quest to find each other
c) fall in love with another person and forget you
d) pray to Allah that we'll meet again so that we'll have closure




Nota kaki:

• Since I couldn't really decide who I wanna be, so I tend to like/copy/be like a weird person. A person that make me say the same thing, "Eh, siapa perempuan tu? She's different. I meant a good kind of different."
• But maybe I'm just weird. I hope you like weird.